Abstract

This study is investigating the power relationship between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law through qualitative research design, to understand dimensions of their relationships and how their behavior endorse patriarchy into the culture. Six mothers of sons whose daughter in laws are living with them and six mothers of married daughters who were living with their in-law were included in the sample. Semi-structured interviews were conducted and transcribed interviews were analyzed. Findings revealed that mothers-in-law negotiate with patriarchy in domestic affairs, promote control of men on resources and decision making, and do not challenge their authority. They control their daughters-in-law in household whether it is domestic, financial, family matter, and social mobility, yet allow them to do jobs and spend their earnings on themselves. Daughters-in-laws are also negotiating with patriarchy for adopting professional choices, dealing with household responsibilities and dealing with personal matters.

Key Words

Patriarchy, Mothers-in-Law, Daughters-in-Law, Negotiation

Introduction

The male is the central figure in Pakistani families, which are organized in the shape of a hierarchy of authority and control. An arranged marriage is viewed as a family contract rather than a personal one. After marriage, the local women gain superiority and authority and view the new member of a household, the woman as a danger to their absolute power. They also share their son's devotion and affection. Elder women are compelled to oppress and control their daughters-in-law in order to maintain their power and status in the family due to these sentiments of insecurity and the fear of reliance. As a result, the native women take advantage of the newcomers to maintain their position in the family (Habiba, Ali & Ashfaq, 2016). "Patriarchy is a system of social practices in which men dominate, oppress, and exploit women" (Walby, 1991:20). By a feminist psychologist, the term "patriarchy" is used "to refer to kinship systems in which men exchange women" (Johnson & Mitchell, 1975).

The term "women's subordination" describes both the patriarchal dominance that most nations subject women to and the inferior position, lack of involvement in decision-making, etc. that women experience. The founder of contemporary feminism, Simone de Beauvoir, claimed that males relegated women to the status of the second sex and treated them as objects of submission because they perceived them as essentially different from themselves (Beauvior, 1974).




Patriarchal Structure in Pakistan

Discrimination against women places them in a subordinate position, violates their fundamental rights, and prevents them from advancing the causes of peace, progress, and equality for women. Discrimination in any form contributes to the development of a society dominated by men by highlighting the differences in social, political, economic, religious, and cultural status between men and women. A social framework that encourages women's subordination is also built along with the damage to women's equality with males.

A girl goes to her husband’s house after the marriage.  Our relatives therefore view our girls as a burden. Sons will work and provide financial support for their parents. As a result, a girl's subordination starts at home. The moment a wife enters her husband's home after marriage, he assumes that the wife is in an inferior position and that he is in charge of her. A girl is thus vulnerable to prejudice and persecution in this circumstance. Women's experiences of subordination, which also places limitations on their aspirations, demolish their sense of self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-respect.

A number of institutional practices that are created in the family and the kin group have an impact on how dependent and subordinate women are to men. The well-known patriarchal system in Pakistan is made up of several elements, which solidify women's structural dependency on and subordination to men.

In Pakistan, people tend to favor newborn male children over females. When a lady has a girl, her husband begins to oppress her and the kid, as do not just the husband but also the in-laws. Discrimination against girls is still a prevalent issue in most households when it comes to domestic menus and food distribution. In this, the male child is prioritized above the female child, who receives what the male child dislikes or doesn't eat. Even after a girl returns from school, she still has to assist her mother with domestic duties. This is because women and girls are still responsible for the household. While the male youngster can eat, rest, or go out with his friends after he gets home from school.

Girls struggle with an absence of educational opportunities since their parents prioritize their sons' education because they perceive it to be the most important. A girl in a patriarchal culture is not afforded the same opportunities to develop her skills that a boy does beginning at a young age. Boys can go meet their friends; they can come home at any time. Girls cannot go out to see their friends or go shopping since it is unsafe outside; they must return before dusk. Domestic violence is a somewhat common incidence in Pakistan. Patriarchal regulations, which are rooted in a larger culture of discipline, normalize domestic violence.

Another frequent occurrence is sexual harassment at work. Because of this, many women quit their jobs or, more commonly, their bosses fire them if they don't meet their demands. Women have no control over reproduction or sexual rights. The spouses are typically the ones to choose a family planning strategy. Women typically lack the right to pick their husbands, and if they do, their father or sibling will kill them if they exercise this right in court. A father recently killed his daughter in Pakistan after getting engaged to the man she liked. For "so-called honor," her father killed her.




Objectives

? Identifying the perceptions of mothers-in-laws when they were younger regarding patriarchy.

? Identifying their perceptions regarding patriarchy after they became mothers-in-laws.

? Identifying the practices, they used to support patriarchy within their household.

? To explore the gain mother in-laws, get from supporting patriarchy.

Review of Literature

Literature review shows that women have to negotiate with patriarchy in their homes and at their workplaces. In Malaysia, a study was done on negotiating with patriarchy and entrepreneurship. According to this study, women continuously compromise with patriarchal standards to balance their time between working outside the home, taking care of their families, and starting their own businesses. This study sheds new information on the tactics used by women to manage their business operations and negotiate with the patriarchy (Selamat & Endut, 2020).

On South Asian women, a similar study on marriage migration, patriarchal negotiations, and wife abuse was carried out. This study demonstrated how wives knew they could handle their husbands' disapproval by simply not challenging them and doing whatever it took to keep them happy, such as performing household duties, remaining silent, making love, and listening to their husbands. All of the non-abusers agreed that these strategies worked. Women who experienced abuse also had certain self-defense mechanisms at their disposal, but they would reserve them for specific situations, such as when they needed to remain silent or leave the room. 

A study was done on women's subject preferences and patriarchal marriage rules in relation to bargaining with patriarchy. It shows that the majority of participants worked out by negotiating or rejecting patriarchy, which includes women who seek divorces to end their husbands' power over their educational pursuits. Participants in the second group are those who compromise with patriarchal pressures by delaying marriage until after they earn their university degrees. There are finally participants who follow patriarchal rules without bargaining or negotiating.  They marry young and consent to having their husband's impact on their education. To increase their chances of getting married, they restrict their options to specific topics. They mostly focus on traditional subjects like schooling because they don't conflict with their obligations to their families (Alwedinani, 2017).

Women's experiences with the phrase "From patriarchy to neopatriarchy" were investigated in a study by Habiba, Ali, and Ashfaq (2016). Married men and women who were both educated and uneducated made up the participants. This study's goal was to investigate how patriarchy operates in the home when women are involved. The results demonstrated that early in women's lives, the patriarchy was socialized into their lives. After marriage, women were once more being re-socialized by them through in-laws. The ladies are still under the authority and power of this process of socialization and resocialization. This practice is facilitated by the older women in the household, who also act patriarchally. This study demonstrated how the entire process led to women being marginalized by other women in order to maintain the current power system.

In a study on a related subject called "Revisiting the patriarchal bargain," rural homes were examined on the power dynamics of money. It was found that younger and older women in the household would negotiate for control of the household's cash flow. This study has identified a number of strategies by which younger husbands and wives can take control of cash management from the rule of their mother-in-law. This study demonstrated that in-law mothers were viewed as family cashiers or financial managers with the capacity to collect and maintain household revenue, which was considered to be a central aspect of women's identities. This demonstrated that the spouses had secretly saved money in order to move out and live in a different home. The findings revealed that women were not actually challenging the patriarchy by leaving the house, but rather by calling for a change in the way power was distributed while keeping the power structure itself untouched (Gram et al., 2018).

Previous studies indicate that research has been done on how young women negotiate with their families and workplaces in order to live lives according to their own choices. There is very little light shed on how women or mothers-in-law help to promote patriarchy in households. So present study was done to describe the phenomena. 

Method

Research design

It was a qualitative study that focused on in-depth information from the mothers-in-law who are facing patriarchy or in the past have faced it, they were also negotiating and supporting this patriarchal system. 




Sample

A purposive sampling technique was used. Women who fulfilled the sampling criteria were a part of this sample. A total of twelve mothers-in-law were interviewed. The sample size consisted of 6 mothers of sons and 6 mothers of daughters. 




Data collection tool

An open-ended semi-structured questionnaire was used for collecting data from participants in this research. Questions included were about the division of household chores, decision-making about family matters, financial management, and social mobility of the daughter-in-law. Perceptions of mothers-in-law about their own mothers-in-law were also probed in order to explore their experiences with patriarchy. 




Procedure

Interviews were conducted with the participant in their convenient language through the interview protocol. The researcher targeted the participants including mothers-in-law. The phone was used for the recording of all the interviews. The researcher contacted participants first to inform them and then their interviews were conducted after their consent. The participants were informed that their information and privacy will not be disclosed to any 




Data Analysis

The transcribed interviews were analyzed by thematic analysis. In thematic analysis, it was ensured to identify patterns of themes in the interview data that explain how women bargain with the patriarchy as they get older. 

Findings

For the purpose of this paper, the narratives of and exchanges with the participants yield qualitative data that can be thematically divided into 1) Domestic Chores 2) Financial management 3) Communication of Family Matters 4) Social Mobility 5) General perspective about Mothers-in-law.




 

Table 1

Showing themes extracted from participants.

Main theme	Connecting theme
Domestic chores	Role of mother-in-law
	Role of daughter-in-law
	Role of husband
	Cooking food
	Maid responsibilities
	Washing clothes
	Feast preparation and afterward
	Kitchen setting
Finance management	Grocery
	Monthly budget
	Money handling
	When my husband used to Work
	Investment
	Pregnancy expenditure
	Miscellaneous expenditures
Social mobility	Mother's house
	Shopping
	Job
Family matters	Matters between son and daughter-in-law
	Important discussion
	Marriage proposal of brothers-in-law/sisters-in-law
	Shopping related matters
	Daughter-in-law shares her personal matters
	The daughter-in-law does not share much about her matters
	The husband's wife goes out and leaves the kid with the mother-in-law
General Perspective about                     mothers-in-law	Mother-in-laws
Good habit	daughter-in-law
	Good habits of second
	Bad

 




Domestic chores

The first theme which emerged from the data focuses on "domestic chores". It is seen that mothers-in-law mostly have their hold on the kitchen. Some mothers-in-law were so obsessed with their kitchen and setting of kitchen utensils, spices, and other appliances that they did not allow their daughters-in-law to change it.

“I did not put any kind of big responsibility on her”. “When I asked her about the kitchen setting, she made fun of it and then I felt a little issue, then I explained to them that it's better if they do not touch my things”.

Some mothers-in-law do not allow their daughters-in-law to cook as per their needs and tastes. Their own cooked food is the only allowed dish in the house. Still, some mothers-in-law ask their daughters-in-law to cook as “it’s their kitchen, their responsibility”. “Sometimes I cook food, sometimes she cooks food”.

Daughters-in-law contribute to household chores during day time if they stay at home and if they are working, they have to do cooking and dishes for dinner. Mostly mothers-in-law distributed household chores among daughters and daughters-in-law.

 

Financial Management

The second theme that emerged from the data focused on "financial management". In Pakistani society finances are mostly in the hands of the household head, the men of the household, or if the man is not alive then his wife. Mostly this revolves around the head of the household. Husbands of most participants were looking after the financial matters of the family.

“My husband and my elder son, I tell them I need money and I take it from them”

"My husband takes care of the monthly budget, he buys everything".

Mothers-in-law whose husbands are no longer alive are managing the expenses of their families as sons poll money for joint expenses of the family through their mother. “My husband used to do it. He spent as he wished. His words had to be obeyed. Now my method is the same but slightly different from his".

Still, in some households where men are alive, they give money to the women for family expenditures. “I manage household expenses. My sons also give me money monthly. They give their father separately.”. “I get two shops’ rent and one house rent for expenses of the house.”

Upon asking about the contribution of working daughters-in-law to financial resources the findings showed that in some households they do not participate in financial management. As one mother-in-law said, “No no, once she gave me money but I refused. I said it’s your hard work. Keep it with you". "No, my son has income from the school. He gives for her and her kid's expenses. I never ask her how much she earns." Whereas, in some households, they spend money on themselves and their children. "Yes! She buys herself. Ma sha Allah my son also gives her”. “Indeed, she does a job, still my son gives her she has a kid with her. 

When asked about investing money in daughters-in-law, it was found out that some do not invest and some inform their mothers-in-law before investing. Some hide it. “Yes, we do invest. They inform me. We added this investment. We have to give this money. They inform me before investing”

Findings revealed that some daughters-in-law discuss their matters with their mothers-in-law whereas some others do not share. As one mother-in-law said, “She (daughter-in-law) does not discuss with me but sometimes she does. Most of the time she does not. I try to solve it”. “No Ma Sha Allah she is very intelligent”. Some advice to their own sons about their issues “Yes, I do advise my son. He fully acts upon it. Shukar Alhamdulilah”. In some households where sons and daughters-in-law do not share their matters with their mothers-in-law. “They do not tell me about their matters. They solve it on their own”. “Son does not. Son does not speak to me. No, I never did. No, he doesn’t speak to me. I do not talk to him”.

Communication patterns vary within families. Mothers-in-law feel important and engaged when they are asked to share their advice. In the household mostly the discussion is done in-between the family members and the daughters-in-law are not involved in such matters. Very rarely they are asked for their opinion. “In my house discussion is done by me and my kids and my married son. Sometimes in-between we ask daughter-in-law as well if required.” “I know how much their advice is right. When they are careless, I do make them realize”

Some daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law were not on talking terms. “The elder daughter-in-law discusses with me sometimes. If she is in a mood. otherwise, she remains silent. She does not speak to me. She does not discuss things with me. She does not listen to me. She stays upstairs and does not come downstairs.”

In some households the discussion is not done with women of the households, it is done among the head of the household, the men. “They are not done with women. No, we do not discuss. They do it themselves. Discuss with daughter-in-law or wife very little. Yes, sons are also like this. They discuss this with the mother. With wives also. Yes, yes, I do. If there is any certain issue in-house then I discuss it with them"

Findings also revealed that most mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law do not spend time together as mostly they do not share common interests. Mostly time is shared if required for household activities.  Quantity of time also varies with time

"10 to 15 minutes or half an hour not more than this. Before my job, she used to sit with me.

Sometimes whole day for example after doing night chores she used to sit with me”

“She spends with me quite a lot of time. When she is free. I come downstairs when I am free”.

 

Social Mobility of Daughter-in-Laws

The findings of the study indicate that the mobility of the bahus is still under the control of mothers-in-law. They have to inform their mother-in-laws even before informing their husbands. Some of the statements by mothers-in-law indicate the same fact. "She informs me. I decide for how many days she can stay there”. “Yes, she asks me but she comes back when she likes. One time I stopped her from going. She didn’t like that.”

“Younger bahu informs me. Her mother was sick yet she came back in two days. Whereas elder bahu comes back after a month". In some cases, the situation was the opposite as daughters-in-law do not take permission or inform mothers-in-law.

“No, they do not inform me. No, I do not mind. Their husbands are with them. So, what can I do? I do not have a husband. So, what can I do? So, I stay silent"

 

General Perception about Mother-in-Laws

In this study findings, different perceptions were found regarding mothers-in-law from the past and the present how they should be with their daughters-in-law, and how the daughters-in-law should be with their mothers-in-law. There were also some good and bad habits of daughters-in-law which were elaborated by the mothers-in-law whereas, they did not share the good or bad habits of their married daughters who are living with their in-laws. Talking about their own mothers-in-law or mother-in-law of the past they elaborated on differences about behaviors of past and present mothers-in-law. “There is a lot of difference, but this should not be happened.” “When we had our mothers-in-law. We used to inform them about everything. We were scared. Now she (her daughter-in-law) is not scared of anyone. They are independent”

“There is a lot of difference. They were very strict. There was a restriction. Now I think this should not happen. We don't have any rules in our house"

"Early mothers-in-law were not so bitter. Everything would go on with love. In today's environment then mothers-in-law do not tolerate but mothers-in-law nowadays do not have a good attitude toward them.

Discussion

Based on the mothers-in-law's views, it was seen that men in the household have power in the decision making and mostly young women are not involved in the process. Men are dominating the public and private patriarchy as they are still the head of the house. Man, either father-in-law or husband, is the one who is entrusted with all of the responsibilities and decision-making. Women are restricted to the home and perform their household tasks. They are submissive to men in the family because they hold the position of power and control over economic resources (Parker & Reckdenwald, 2008). In our subcontinent culture, elderly women or mothers-in-law are in charge of household activities. They communicate with men of the family about household matters whereas young women are mostly involved in performing household chores.  The relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law can be complex and challenging. Often, the mother-in-law is seen as the matriarch of the family, wielding power and influence over family dynamics. However, this power is often limited by patriarchy, which dictates that men hold the ultimate authority in a household.

Mothers-in-law in a house experience a complex situation. They have the urge to maintain their authority with the realization that they have to share or consult with the son and his wife. This leads to a family dynamic that is based on negotiation and mothers-in-law offer subtle tactics to maintain their influence within the family. Hassan (1995) and Sharma (2007) have identified that the mother-in-law suppresses the daughter-in-law financially and socially to secure her own position in the family.

One common tactic used by mothers-in-law is to demand traditional gender roles and societal expectations. They keep on emphasizing the role of women in the family thus subtly reinforcing their position as a respected elder in the household. In the present study, almost every mother-in-law was concerned about the participation of her daughter-in-law in household chores rather than involvement in decision-making. They showed their displeasure for their daughter in-laws who was not involved in family matters, did not spend much time with them, and did not contribute financially to household expenses. Similarly, they try to control the social mobility of daughters-in-law by masking it under family or cultural tradition and practice. This can be seen as a way of bargaining with patriarchy, using traditional gender norms to her advantage. 

Another commonly used strategy is for the mother-in-law to influence her bond with her son to affect decisions within the family. Using her status as a mother she can influence the decision-making of her son and interfere in his family matters. This can be a subtle balance, as the son may feel torn between his faithfulness to his mother and his commitment to his wife. Mostly sons listen to their mothers and out of respect or family norms and do what they demand ignoring their wives. 

Ultimately, the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is an intricate dance of power dynamics, molded by cultural norms and societal expectations. While patriarchy might be a reason to limit the mother-in-law's authority within the family, she finds ways often to negotiate her influence and uphold her status as a respected elder family member. Most of the participants (Mother-in-law) in this research mentioned that their daughters-in-law do not discuss their matters with them. They handle their matters themselves. There were few who said they discussed with them but not on their own matter i.e., about kids or other issues. It was seen in this research that most of the daughters discuss the issues of husband and wife with their own mothers and seek advice from them. Which most solely shows the trust they have in their mother and having trust issues with their mothers-in-law. Moreover, the daughter-in-law, along with her husband, remains more attached to the family of the wife instead of being close to the husband's family (Fingerman, 2001; Timmer & Veroff, 2000).

Men in the family support their mother-in-law and vice versa. For example, fathers-in-law and husbands communicate to newlywed daughters-in-law to respect and obey their mothers-in-law as it's a tradition and practice. As a participant said, "My husband already told my daughter-in-law to take my permission before leaving home like I used to ask my mother-in-law". "I like the way my husband used to take care of financial matters as I was tension-free at that time". Whereas, some mothers-in-law do not challenge patriarchy in the family rather they support the control of men on financial matters, resources, and decision-making. As one of the participants said, "In our home, my husband and sons decide financial matters. Sometimes I give suggestions". Another participant said, "I save money without telling men of family for zakat as they think they will take care of all my needs but giving zakat is my responsibility". 

Similarly, while talking about investment of money mostly mother-in-law was on the point that men know better about investment so they invest, we women do not interfere. Mostly women do not invest but if they do they hide it from their husbands. There were some reasons for accumulating secret money, such as preventing husbands from wasting their income, avoiding blame for misusing visible funds or protecting their husband’s masculine pride, that might not apply in a context where daughters-in-law obtained secret money through the cooperation of their husband (Eroglu, 2009). And if not from their husbands, then from their mothers-in-law just because they had invested before marriage which shows that she does not trust her mother-in-law that much yet to tell her about her investing or they just want to keep their life private by setting up a boundary. 

Mothers-in-law somehow now are still negotiating with patriarchy even in household matters like even in important matters like marriage proposals of daughters/sons they do not consider taking the daughter-in-law’s opinion, rather they consider taking the opinion of their daughter even if the daughter is married. Mothers-in-law do not consider asking their daughters-in-law regarding their choices, some participants said that they knew what their daughters-in-law needs. When the daughter-in-law has to go somewhere they have to inform their mother-in-law or seek their permission before going out and then ask their husband. The daughter's mother said that it is just important to seek permission from the husband. Some mothers-in-law have financial management control in their hands. Even daughters-in-law are not allowed to give little money to maid as the in-laws (They don't have permission to give maid even ten rupees separately, inform us or we give it to them ourselves). Monthly expense is given by the mother-in-law to the daughter-in-law as it is a kind of system in a house. 

Mothers-in-law suffered from patriarchy when they were young but as they reach authority position in the household, they start protecting it. They need protection in the system which they receive in the form of respect from the family. 

Conclusion

Women play quite a role in the patriarchy. Men who are having power just because they are the head of the household. Women are the one who either try to negotiate with patriarchy or controls it through their sons or husbands. In this paper, we used a framework Kandiyoti (1988) which was about the "patriarchal bargain". It makes the case that a patriarchal bargain is a decision made by women in a sexist culture to use various strategies to support the idea that males are superior or comply with patriarchal demands of their gender in order to achieve anything, go ahead, or just to survive. This framework helped us to see that patriarchy is still there in the households and women are still trying to nurture without knowing it. The current research explored that patriarchy is the system of power and control that prevails through different means and ways. It has deep roots that cannot easily be pulled out from society because patriarchy is supported by traditional cultural and social norms and values. Mothers-in-law are still trying to have control over their household not trying to give in completely. They still want to have an upper hand in the household. This research also showed that if a woman is alone and does not have her husband’s support, she is weak she cannot do anything, she does not have that much power if their sons are not supporting them. It also sheds light on the fact that the daughters-in-law are not fully dependent on anyone and they know how they have to control the situation which is still done mostly in the traditional way which is staying silent. 

Limitations and Recommendations

? This study was carried out with mothers-in-law only, daughter in laws and sons-in-law can provide valuable contributions in developing an understanding of the dynamics of power within the family.

? Future research can include fathers-in-law as well to explore how elderly women negotiate patriarchy in our cultural setting. 

? It is recommended that it will be more interesting if the comparative study is done in-between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, to know both sides more deeply.

References